You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Couch. On fire.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
