You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
