I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
