11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
