I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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