I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
