I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
