Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
