So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I am spending my child support on dildos
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
