I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
