I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
