highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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