I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
