a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I looked at my own cervix.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
