connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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