Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
