Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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