you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
