my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
