I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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