The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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