I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
