dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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