I think scott just propositioned me for sex
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
