remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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