A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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