do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
