I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
