I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
