wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
