So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
