rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
