I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he fucked my hip out of place.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i think we sleep fucked last night...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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