i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
