Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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