I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
