so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
