I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
