You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
