before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
