you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think your dad took our porno
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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