I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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