He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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