I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
