Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am one with the molecules
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
