Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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