That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
