I got chris browned last night
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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