I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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