Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
